Latvian History : an almost epic saga of butthurt spanning over a millenium

Alright so in the future I will destroy Latvian literature for your amusement but first I need to give you some background on shit so you could understand the context better.

1000 years ago in this piece of land shaped like a piece of bitten rye bread, there were several tribes of pagans who lived simple lives, living in sheds, beating women, drinking something that resembles beer, molesting goats and playing kokle. What is kokle, you ask? It's a plank of wood with something resembling guitar strings. A lot of peoples have their own version of the kokle, even the chinese.

Now Latvia and it's nebhouring countries, Lithuania and Estonia are actually geographicaly located in a perfect place. There are no real natural threats here besides thunderstorms and occasional floods. No earthquakes, no volcanic activity, no tornados, nothing. The land is very fertile so the land can be cultivated to grow pretty much anything that fits in to this climate. There are woods and shit and stuff. It's also one of the places where you can get amber from the seaside too. However, today that doesn't really cut it since we also have almost no mineral resources or indeed anything. This place is only really suited for farming. Also the land is very flat, the highest point in the country is just measly 312 meters tall. Also the only waterfall we have is the widest waterfall in europe, but it's only like 1 meter high.

So anyway, for who knows how long the precursors of today's people here lived in their sheds doing nothing significant that we know about, in the 1100s the Pope and the Germans were preparing for another crusade. They had two choices. Ether they head in to the middle east and fight with muslims or they head up northeast for a bit and beat up the pagans that live there. For the crusaders, they had to chose between fighting organized moorish darkpersons who were all dedicated, trained and decently armed or fight a bunch of pagans armed with clubs dressed in clothes made from linen who they might just be able to bribe with shiny objects. So not only would winning in the territory that is now the baltic countries easier, but also the prize is better since the land is much more lush than some shitty desert where the only true gain is some place where Jesus might have been born.

So first the Germans sent some priests and shit to here and tried to convert in a peaceful manner. The locals didn't really mind the foregin preists, even pitching in when they wanted to build a chruch, but after the old men died, something like this happened.
''Jani, those old men in weird robes not made from linen who made us sit and listen to some strange tounge that sounded like my grandpa when he was foaming after that fox bit him have died. What should we do?''
''How about we make a bonfire to pay tribute to the Landmother and scare witches and vilkacis (latvian werewolves) away!''
''yay''
So they pretty much became pagans again, no, more like they never stopped being pagans. They only helped the missionaries since they didn't consider a bunch of old men in robes a threat which is why they didn't chase them away armed with wooden pitchforks.
So then they started sending knights and soldiers in to Baltia. After a few years of knights killing pagans, the germans became the rulers of the land and the territory of Baltia became Livonia, a part of the German empire.
In 1200 the Dome Church was built and the city of Riga was founded. So then a lot of cities were founded and they all were ruled by German knights and later the descendants of them. Meanwhile, the locals became slaves. Okay they're not really called slaves but they pretty much were.
For the average Latvian life was like this : farm turnips, get whipped by a german, on sundays sit in this weird brick house with a penis-shaped point sticking out of it and listen to something that doesn't sound nether like Latvian nor the language the guys with the whips curse at us, secretly pray to the Luckmother to have the whip men die horribly, beat children and wives, curse nebhour for having a better turnip, eat turnips and die ether of exhaustion at the old age of 38 or the plague, and this shit lasted more than 500 years.

Meanwhile, three kingdoms had territorial dispute over the territory of Livonia. Latvia is located in a very valuable place for the Russians. The Russians wanted the Latvian territory of Livonia in patricular since from the gulf of Riga you can sail out and sail anywhere. It was literaly Russia's window to Europe, otherwise if they wanted to trade goods with say, Germans in Germany, they would have to march like 5000 kilometers through several lands. With the gulf of Riga, they could make it so much easier and their biggest threat would be scurvy, impure thoughts about their crewmates when there is not a single woman in sight for weeks to months and the very, very very... (very x 13) unlikely chance of sea robbers.

The other two countries were the Germans who wanted nothing to change since they were living good and the Swedish, who I don't think had any real reason to want to own this land besides inflating the king's already cosmic ego and to troll the Russians.

And over the course of hundreds of years the land was owned by all of them at some point. Germans eventualy lost ownership of Livonia as a part of their empire, but the German lords that still lived here were still filthy rich, owned large stretches of land and still had more ''stinkige, drekige, letische dummkopfe''(stinky, dirty, latvian stupidheads) that they could whip farming turnips for them.

The Swedish ruled here for some time and these times are written in history books as ''good times'', since during these times the Swedish were convinced they would be staying, which is why they paved roads with stone bricks that have lasted to this very day when my dad drives a struck over them, cursing at them as they shake all the glass jars of honey in the back jitter so hard he fears that they might break. In short, fuck those bricks, fuck them. Also, altough it isn't today's Latvian territory, they founded the first university in Baltia, which is where all the smart people supposedly came from. But while it really does seem like the Swedish intended to stay, they only lasted like 50 years at best before being chased away by the Russians. After that point the territory was more or less Russian land up until the collapse of the Russian empire in the 20th century.

But there was still a very strong German influence in these lands, as the rich dukes and counts and lords and shit still had pollitical power, this remained so up until World War I where they all quickly fleed to somewhere else since this place became a battlezone.

A significant point in European history is when in Germany Martin Luther (not the black one) told the catholic curch ''fuck you guys'', made a simplified version of Christian doctorine and translated the bible to German so that the farmers could finally make true sense of why they are forced to listen stupid shit those guys in black robes talk about every Sunday. Hell, who knows, maybe then they would stop paying tribute to the Forest King and understand why fucking their daughters is not cool.

So then old man Stender, a german priest who had to read the bible to the farmers in lativian territory translated the bible to Latvian. Disregard what the book is but there is still a very, very important thing about it that is very significant to Latvia to this day. Stender pretty much invented written latvian language, since there was no such thing before this translation.

Up until the 19th century it was territorial disputes, trade disputes and occasional wars. The Latvian farmers didn't really give a fuck at all, since no matter who's in charge, they're still the ones who are out there in the feild, farming vegetables, the only thing they think to themselves is ''I don't really care or understand what this ''politics'' thing means but I do hope that the next lord will whip me less.''

Indeed, the best thing to happen to the average latvian farmer folk was the day when they started farming potatoes instead of turnips.

Okay well, no, not all latvians were farmers, some of them lived in cities and were craftsmen who did things like make barrels or brew booze or tailored shit or something. These city latvians had it better since for them it was much more likely that they could one day own their own shop or something. Some of them became rich traders, but then the first thing they did was hide their turnip farming roots and pretend to be germans. And some latvian farmers actually owned their own land which was independant from the rulers so they wouldn't get whipped. But still the majority was poor and lived on the lord's land and worked for the landlords.

In the 19th century the rulerships entirely let go of their grip over the latvians and they could do what they want. It was okay for them to become scholars, become rich and own significant buisnesses like say newspapers or something. During this time, true, intelligent latvian culture was born.

So suddenly there were smart, well-situated Latvians who weren't limited by poor education or the government stopping them from having a buisness more significant than a small barrel workshop.

Okay so no, there were still poorly-educated potato farmers and the bulk of city folk worked in the factories, but atleast for once there was culture that wasn't teaspoon-shallow myths about old magic ladies who troll farmers with sausages passed down from parent of turnip farmer to child of turnip farmer through centuries.

So then the latvian intelligence started rallying their felllow people with ideals of having their own country and shit. The Russian empire was also weakening all the time. Then, in the 20th century, it happened.

World War I. WW1 left the Russian empire in shambles after the heavy loss of both human and economic resources. At this weakend state, after the end of the war, the latvians declared independance.

Then, the most significant and successful Latvian battle occured. So there was this german warlord Bermont who wanted to claim the land for uhh... Well anyway there was a war in Latvia, which to this day remains the only battle the Latvians have won, and win they did.

After this followed the 20 happiest years in latvian history. So the latvians finally had their own country where they could do as they please without being put down by the russian or the fat german. This was the most productive time

But then, World War II came and the Soviets took over. All of the latvian intelligence quickly escaped to places like the Americas or Australia, and everyone else... well...

Latvia was a frontline with a lot of struggles between the nazis and the soviets. Latvians were enlisted in both sides. During this time the Latvians became nazi sympathisers. Now before the jews start demanding compensation for the moral damage that sentance and the russians come here and shoot me dead, think about it like this.

Now my grandparents all experienced WW2 as children and at the sympathy for the nazis was based off of their experence. Now I can't verify this all for realz but this is what they told me.

The german soldiers were all stoic, organized, tidy men who even shared their rations with starving children. The russians were dirty drunks who will rob your village blind as they pass through it. Which seems better to you?

So then the war was over and Latvia became a part of the soviet union. During this time the latvians were at a very low point after the days of success in their own country.

Soviet times were pretty shitty, with serious lack of supplies. I might talk more in depth about them some other time. I'm also not going to talk about today's Latvia ether anytime soon.

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 1 : Phantom Blood : Hokuto No Ken in 19th century London with vampires

You might be asking, what the fuck is Jojo's Bizarre Adventure? Is that some sort of low budget porno from the 80s? No! Jojo's Bizarre Adventure is a long running manga by Hirohiko Araki about... uhhh...

Well the problem is that the thing is so long and consists of so many seperate storylines that it's impossible to summarize it in one paragraph. The vaguest explenation I can come up with is this.

There's this family called the Joestars and some of the people who descend from it are fated to experience bizarre adventures in their life, that in some way involve the Joestar's old enemy Dio Brando. Also all of the main protagonists's names can be in some way shortened to ''Jojo''.

Okay so let us talk about the first part.

It's not the Japanese Hardy Boys, it's Jojo's Bizarre Adventure

I suppose I should give you a summary since I doubt any of you have read it, and probably won't anyway.

It all starts with a scene of an ancient aztec ritual where a young woman is sacrificed by a man in a stone mask, which then stabs him in the head. Then the man claims to have become immortal.

In 1870s England, a theif by the name of Dario Brando spots a carrige that had crashed off of a cliff. He rushed down there to rob the dead, he finds that the husband and the child had survived but the wife had died. The man, Lord Joestar thought that Dario had come to help him. Dario pretends that that was his intention. In this way, Lord Joestar was in debt to Dario.

Years later, Dario Brando is on his deathbed. He then sends a letter to Lord Joestar to take care of his son for him. Dario then dies. His son, Dio Brando had no sympathy for his abusive, drunk father, and the last thing he does before leaving is spit on his grave.

A teenage Dio Brando then lives in the Joestar mansion and becomes the step-brother of Lord Joestar's son, the young Jonathan Joestar. Dio begins to antagonize Jonathan and proves that he is pure evil, even going that far as to make it so that Jonathan's pet dog was burned alive. It ends with Jonathan and Dio having a fist fight. During the fist fight Dio's blood hits an ancient Aztec mask that reacted to the blood by shooting out spikes from the back. This shocks and perplexes Dio and Jonathan, and they never speak of this event again.

In 1889, Dio and Jonathan are in university, and act as friends, But Jonathan states to himself that it doesn't really feel like a true friendship. Jonathan is researching the mask, trying to find out what it does. In the same time, Lord Joestar falls ill. In the library, Jonathan finds Dario's letter to Lord Joestar, which describes the symptoms of the illness. Jonathan then realizes that Dario and Lord Joestar have the same exact illness. He then realizes that Dio had been bringing the medicine to Lord Joestar, so he starts suspecting that Dio is posioning Lord Joestar and that he might have posioned his own father.

Dio finds out that Jonathan is figuring this shit out so he has to find a way how to deal with him. Then Dio stumbles on the research on the mask. Dio then thinks that the mask is a weapon, since the spikes probably kill the wearer when the blood hits it. He then goes out to town to find out if this is true. Jonathan goes to the police to find out if the medicine really is posion, while Dio goes to test the mask. On his way, Jonathan fights Robert O. Speedwagon and his gang of hoodlums, who then, Speedwagon is surprised by Jonathan's bravery and determination, and becomes hif friend. Then at the mean time, Dio trys the mask out on some random drunks in the shady part of town. When Dio activates the mask, the mask doesn't kill the man he put it on, but transform him in to a vampire. Dio barely escapes with his life, as the sunrise kills the vampire. Dio then realizes that he can too become a vampire.

Then Dio comes back to the mansion where the cops wait for him along with lord Joestar and Jonathan. Dio tries to kill Jonathan with a knife while trying to activate the mask, but lord Joestar blocks the knife with himself, sacrificing himself for Jonathan. Dio becomes a vampire. Then Dio kills all the cops. Jonathan then fights the superhuman Dio in the burning mansion. The fight ends with Jonathan crashing Dio on the sword of a statue from a fall from the second floor.

Jonathan thinks that Dio is dead and he then heals up while being nursed by his love interest Erina. Dio has survived the fight, but is in bad shape. He then also begins a slow recovery while at the same time making ghoul slaves out of serial murderers, and takes over a mansion in a remote city called Windknights or something.

Then a weird gentleman named William Antionio Zepelli visits Jonathan, reveals that Dio is alive and offers to teach Jonathan a martial art capable of destroying the vampire for good.

The technique is kind of confusing in the name department. At first Zepelli refers to it as ''Sendo'', but then for the rest of the series it is refered to as ''Hamon'' or ''wave energy'' or ''ripples''. I'm just going to call it ''the ripple technique'''or ''ripple energy''. The ripple technique is based off of proper breathing that controls the lifeforce and turns it in to energy that can be used to do stuff to things. Zepelli displays this by punching a frog on a rock, and he used the energy in a way that did not harm the frog at all but split the rock in half.

Then Jonathan, Zepelli and Speedwagon set out to Windknights to fight Dio. First Jonathan goes one on one against Jack The Ripper in some sort of catacomb inside a tunnel. Jonathan is tasked to defeat the ghoul Jack the Ripper without spilling a single drop of wine from a glass, or Zepelli will abandon him since then he wouldn't be able to meet his standards. Jonathan wins (duh)

Then they encounter two ghouls of knights who were long dead, I forgot their names. Butkus and Hugebigmchuge or something. So first Jonathan fights Butkus or Bruticus or whatever, who has the ability to control his hair. The fight ends with Jonathan hitting Butkus with the ripple which restores him to human form for a few brief moments before he dies, but not before entrusting his sword in the hands of Jonathan.

Then Jonathan is locked in a cage match against the insanely huge guy. Jonathan was on the losing end until Zepelli sacrifices himself and takes a fatal blow. Zepelli gives the last of his strenght to Jonathan to power him up. Jonathan defeats the insanely huge ghoul and goes to fight Dio.

Then Jonathan and Speedwagon are joined by Zepelli's master Tompetti and his two subordinates, Dire and Straights. Right abou now you will start noticing what the motif for the names of the characters is in the entire series.

So then they quickly dispatch a bunch of ghouls named, I shit you not, Paige, Jones, Bonham and Plant.

Then they finally fight Dio. Dio quickly kills Dire who used his stupid gimmicky special move on Dio but Dio was like fuck this, froze his blood and ripped him in half.

So then Dio and Jonathan have this short and not very interesting battle which ends with Dio being hit with the ripple anf falling off of a balcony. Dio cuts his own head off before the ripple reaches his head and escapes with his life again, unknown to Jonathan.

So then it seems like the nightmare is over, but is it really? Jonathan and his wife Erina then decide to travel to America and start a new life there, but so it happens that Dio is there on the boat as a head in a jar and has a few more ghouls. Then Dio hits Jonathan in the neck with his new special move, which is concentrating and ejecting liquid from his eyes with amazing pressure. Dio then says that he will now use his vampire power to take over Jonathan's body. Jonathan grabs Dio's head in a death hug as the ship's engine explodes and they both seemingly die.

Erina escapes, along with an orphaned child, from the wreckage.



Okay so the reason why I love this manga is since it's very original in terms of characters, designs and abilities, but not a lot of this is present in Part 1.

First of all, the action and abilities is kind of ehhhh. The most interesting abilities were those of Dio. Dio could evaporate the oxygen from your blood and freeze your blood, he could also pressurize liquid in his eyes and shoot it at you. The ripple in this part is always the same, they just punch something and it burns away with the power of the ripple. Part 2 makes the ripple way more interesting. There's also this one scene which really asks you to suspend your disbeleif when Jonathan and Zepelli use the ripple to make sort of like a hang glider from leaves.

The beginning of Phantom Blood is kind of like some sort of Dickens-ish drama and the rest is kind of generic.

Another thing would be the characters.

Jonathan is in my opinion the worst Jojo. Jonathan has like this childish view on heroism that makes it seem like he doesn't really understand the gravity of what exactly is happening and what the long term effects would be. In one scene he grabs a knife pretty hard with his fingers and Speedwagon yells ''DON''T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR FINGERS!?'' and Jonathan is like ''not really''. It didn't seem like Jonathan was brave, it seemed more like he doesn't understand the full consequences. He might be a bit too pure, you could say.

Dio is in my opinion the greatest villain ever conceived, but that doesn't really show in part 1, since he's just like ''oh what a joy it is to be evil''.

Zepelli is probably the best character in the part, since he was the only one who understood what is happening fully.

Another thing is that the designs don't really stand out that much in Part 1, but maybe that's just since everything in supposed to look like 1800s clothing.

The art isn't as good as it is in later parts, and the first volume looks like it was drawn on toilet paper.

Overall, if you want to read Jojo (and you should), then you shouldn't give up on it just because of part one since everything gets way better after that.

There was also an animated movie based off of Phantom Blood which never saw a DVD release, so there is no way for me to see it. I would love to see it, but I can't. feels bad, man.


Also I ordered a bunch of figmas, now I'm descending down the spiral of pathetic hikikomori shit

Gundam Wing Endless Waltz : The end of the fairytail

I think this cover says it all

Endless Waltz is the conclusion to the Gundam Wing saga. This thing was a followup to the ending of the TV series since the next Gundam TV series, Gundam X bombed for being not as successful, despite being way more Gundam than any other non-UC Gundam. At first they released Endless Waltz as a 3-part OVA which was later turned in to a film. I only watched the film, and don't think I missed anything important. So first I'll give you a summary of the story.

One year after the end of the TV series ending, the Gundam Pilots, except for Wufei (who didn't read the memo since noone taught him how to read) are willing to say goodbye to their Gundams forever by launching them in to the sun. At the same time, Relena is kidnapped by a 4 year old girl, her grandpa and an army of idiots dressed in terrible uniforms but armed with grunts more effective than water pistols.
So the plot is that the 4 year old girl and her nigs are going to take over the world since for some reason all of civilization discareded their weapons, so it would be more or less a walk in the park, and the rest of the movie is how the Gundam Pilots and the Preventers fight against the Marimeia army both with and without mobile weapons.
Also for some reason Trowa and Wufei work for the villains for a bit. I don't really get why Trowa joined but I think it might have had something to do with blackmail or debt or maybe he was an infiltrator, I'm not sure, it wasn't really said. Wufei joined since he didn't believe in world peace or something, I'm not sure, we'll focus on Wutard later on.
So then while Duo and Heero fight in some colony not armed with their deathweapons, Trowa sits in a computer room and eats donuts, Wufei sits in Nataku and masturbates while dreaming of Treize, Quatre goes to get the gundams back, and succeeds.
Also some flashback material was shown about how noname became Trowa and the gundam pilots rebelled against the true Operation Meteor, and explained what exactly Operation Meteor is. Also it reveals that Heero has a guilty concience for the death of a little girl and her dog, altough you are just told about that, rather than you actually see Heero feel it.
So then Heero gets in to Wing Zero Custom and fights with Wufei in a fight where they exchange philosophies. I was distracted by Wing Zero Custom's sparkly wings to actually force myself to listen to them, since their dialogue was remiscent of a dillusional idealist and a retard arguing in a forum.
So meanwhile, Relena hangs out with the 4 year old girl and her grandpa in an underground base and exchange political banter.
Then the finale is Zechs, in the Tallgeese 3, along with Duo, Trowa, Quatre (in the Custom redesigns of their mechs) and Noin cripling, but not killing grunts in Serpents. Meanwhile, Wing Zero crashes in to the sea and Heero later wakes up and goes on his final mission to save Relena in Wing Zero. So then while it is said that the pilots are losing, altough it doesn't really look like that, Wing Zero starts hammering the underground base's sheild with the Twin Buster Rifle so hard the suit is wrecked entirely and falls like 500 metres, but since Heero's skeleton is made from the same shit as his gundam, he survives.
Then the little girl realizes what a retard she was and takes a bullet for Relena, but sadly does not die. Then her grandpa, who was an asshole, gets shot by his own soldiers. Then Heero falls in to Relena's arms like how all the fangirls wish he would in theirs.
After that, all of the mobile suits on earth were destroyed and the world never saw war again and the pilots had peaceful, normal lives, the end.

Fucking what. Okay no. Back up. This sounds way too idealistic. Okay fine, it's okay for say, the soldiers to wish for peace forever, since that's just an ideal, it doesn't mean it will happen, since I guaran-fucken-tee you that global peace will never happen unless humanity becomes extinct and only animals live on this planet. Such an idealistic ending, where conflict never happens again on earth, is something I'd expect from a fairytail. In Universal Century, everyone was completely aware that war will happen again and again, and they should be happy that they got the war done atleast for a while. G Gundam had also a somewhat idealized world since they got rid of war and replaced it with a tournament, but atleast that was like ''they chose to settle their differences in a different way'' rather than ''they never had conflict ever again''.

So for some reason Wufei was the only person to realize that global peace forever is impossible. Or rather, he didn't think that exactly, it's just that the Emperor Of The Six Holy Retards Of The South Star suspected that something isn't right, and he probably felt it in his krham. Then he fights Heero and Heero keeps telling him ''No way man, this peace is for real'' and Wufei's like ''no way''.

Also it's not really that well explained why exactly they chose to send the Gundams in to the sun. It serves the plot purpose of having a situation where the gundams could still be recovered. Now if they just detonated the gundams and then sent the scrap to be recycled in to indestructible gundanium dildos for Dorothy, they'd be fucked since there's no way they could have rebuilt the gundams fast enough to fight back when facing the Serpents.

Also speaking of Serpents, I really like the Serpent grunts. Compared to the Leos they're like Mazinger Z put next to an electric wheelchair with a bottle of urine and a propane tank sitting in it covered in gasoline. Under the balcony of a smoker's lounge. But I figured out why exactly I like the Serpents, besides the fact that they're the only grunts to feel like they pose a threat, is that they have gatling guns. I love gatling guns.

Also in the scene where Heero and Duo end up in Leos fighting Wufei and Trowa in a Serpent. These might have been the only cases in the history of After Colony that a Leo has ever done something other than explode. In fact, that Leo would have been elected empeoror of gruntkind in AC if he wasn't destroyed, but atleast he got in to valhalla.
Also it was funny how Duo said that the Serpent Custom uses the same style as Trowa when all it really did was stand in place and shoot until it runs out of ammo. Oh wait...

A good thing about Endless Waltz is that it uses mobile suits in just the right dosage. In the TV series it was all over the place. At one point you yawn as you see the Gundams destroy grunts when leaving pidegon poop on the gundam would do more damage than the Leos could ever do. And then at the middle point, the gundams appear very rarely so it's all just character interaction, which also isn't that good. In Endless Waltz, the Gundams are abscent for most of the film which builds up anticipation to see the gundams again and makes seeing them in action seem interesting.

Also they had Hajime Katoki design the redesigns of the Gundams. The true purpose was to boost model sales. So the movie retcons the TV series designs and has it like ''They were always like this'', which is kind of jarring.

So overall, Endless Waltz was better plotted out that the TV series and was a pretty decent film.

Gundam Wing : animated Universal Century fanfiction part four : Gendumbs

Now before I turn all of the Gundams in to scrap, one last thing I'd like to say about some other plot things that failed.

A million fucking factions and a political plot. Now politics are one of my least favorite things in the whole wide world. Gundam Wing has so many factions that you don't care about doing shit that is supposedly important. 0079 only had two factions that you had to care about, Zeon and the Federation. Zeta had three major powers, AEUG, Axis Zeon and the Titans. G Gundam wins, since while countries were involved, it was mostly a simple to understand sporting event and the villain was an entity than it was an organization. Gundam Wing has so many vague factions that I couldn't keep track of it, listen to this shit. The gundam pilots, united earth sphere derpdedoo, OZ, the Sanc Kingdom, White Fang, Treize Faction, Preventers, the army run by the 4 year old girl, the army of arabs, the Derpefeller organization, the colonies the list goes on and on, and they expect you to follow this shit. Because you can't follow who is doing what you can't follow the politics so you don't know why who is fighting who and why. It's more tangled than spaghetti thrown in to bush.

Number 3 : Mobile Suits (This isn't really a problem but I'll number it anyway)

I hate this fucking retarded text editor so hard.
So anyway, I established already what was wrong with the action in Wing, and that's not really the fault of the person who made the designs, both in universe and IRL. Now I'm going to talk about the Gundams and what strengths and flaws they have, in the same order as the characters.

Offended I am, what is doing here : Shenlong and Altron aka ''Nataku''



















So these two fuckers are Wufei's suits. These things offend me since they serve abso-fucki-lutely no true purpose. Supposedly they were made with some sort of martial arts philosophy and this thing is made exclusively for melee. Superfantastich, except there's like 3 more suits focused entirely on melee, and this isn't G Gundam where a melee unit being out of range isn't a liabilty. Okay nether is it in Wing but if it was reality it would.
So I never understood what purpose this thing has. I read that supposedly it has a state of the art detection system that detects things like weaknesses and cliched shit like that, except it was never mentioned or used, but maybe just since Wufei is a tard.
Shenlong/Altron are both recycled and slightly changed versions of the Dragon Gundam from G Gundam, hell Altron and Shenlong both mean dragon, anyway.
This suit baffles me just as much as it's user and I don't know if the people knew what the fuck they were doing when they included it in the show.

Bland and equally pointless, but less offending : Sandrock
With Sandrock the idea was that it was made for desert combat. Yes, awesome, except when you're fighting a global superpower all around the world, then you might end up in say, in the arctic or a jungle or even underwater, or in space. Also this thing is supposed to be the most well armored one, but since all of the Gundams are invincible until plot needs them not to be, this means nothing.
Another thing about it is that once again it's a melee unit. Okay sure, later on they give it a submachine gun, but I hardly call that well armed.
It's not really pointless, instead it's more of just a bad idea for the situation. I do like the Endless Waltz redesign on the right, though.

My beloved : Heavyarms
This thing I just love. For one thing, It's a concept that makes sense and is realistic, This thing is just a fucking beast. It has a million guns on it. I think I like the original better because of it's colors but I also like the custom because it has even more guns. And they thought about it and added a melee weapon too.
My only complaint is that it doesn't get enough screen time compared to the other pieces of shit.

A mishandled good concept : Deathsychte and Deathsychte Hell

Okay so Deathsychte was intended for stealth. This is good. I like stealth. It has a cloaking system that makes it invisible. Cool.
However, tards still got their hand on it, which is why it got a name with Death in it and armed with a gaudy sychte. On closer inspection, this thing is another G Gundam recycle, but better masked than Shenlong.
I can't bring myself to hate on it, but I do feel that they could have done a better job when it comes to something that is supposed to be stealthy. The sychte thing and the wings and everything just seems too gaudy for something that isn't supposed to attract attention.

The Winged Devil : Wing, Wing Zero, Wing Zero Custom

Okay so these two are Wing and Wing Zero, the two titular mobile suits. Besides the uber-thick plot armor there's not really a lot I can say about it, since it's otherwise a typical main Gundam. It has the paintjob and the design and the armament. Also like Zeta, this thing transforms.
Wing Zero was specificly stated not to be an upgrade, altough in terms of principle it basicly is. Wing Zero's unique feature would be the ZERO system, which feeds combat data directly to the brain. But it also makes you go crazy because thick human monkey craniums can't use it effectively. The ZERO system makes you hallucinate. This one gets passed around between every significant pilot in the series and for some reason they think that the hallucinations can give them advice on what to do. This all just reminded me of junkies passing around a needle and getting high.
Wing Zero Custom was the redesign from the Endless Waltz OVAs/movie. This thing entirely forefits any sort of realism that Wing Zero might had had in order to attract bitches and fags instead with it's giant pimp wings and helped pave the way for the gay sparkly magic gundams from SEED and SEED Destiny.
The wings on the previous versions were for the transformation in to the jets that the previous ones had. Wing Zero Custom does not have a transformation in the OVA, and nether does the model. Supposedly in like the Gundam Evolve shorts this thing could transform, but the transformation was laughable and made it look like a dildo.

The Motherfucking Talllgeese : Tallgeese I, II and III
The Tallgeese is badass, since while it is still very strong, unlike the gundams it has an actual flaw, but it's not since the designers were retarded.
This thing is brutal, This thing has very hard handling, so hard that if you're not careful, the speed of this thing will give you a heart attack or atleast break a few ribs with it's bone-crushing, raw power and speed. And with this I mean the pilot of the Tallgeese. If the Tallgeese had to fuck someone, they would be turned in to pudding in 15 seconds.

After this one there were two more Tallgeeses. II was Treize's suit, but there was nothing significant about it.
In Endless Waltz they made Tallgeese III, which is even more uninteresting, but they needed to give Zechs a mobile suit that was nether a gundam nor a grunt.

Closer to the Sazabi than it is to a Gundam : Epyon
This thing is fierce. It reminds me of a goddamn dragon. But if honest, I don't think this thing should be a gundam. You see, after G Gundam they had this trend of always giving everyone important a gundam. Let me remind you that in Universal Century, Gundams were high-end mobile suits of a specific brand, but this didn't mean that anything that's not a gundam can't hold the candle to it. There's a lot of mobile suits that were uber without being gundams in UC. Zeong, The O, Quebley, Sazabi, Sinanju, Kashatrya, the list goes on and on.
Besides the face, this thing doesn't look like a Gundam at all.
However, they did succeed with this one to make a melee unit that seemed nether misguided, stupid or pointless.

Then there's a bunch of grunts named after the zodiac but since none of them are good, there's no reason to talk about them.

I suppose this is the end of the Wing thing. Altough I may write something about Endless Waltz specificly.

Gundam Wing : animated Universal Century fanfiction part three : finishing up on the characters

Alright, let's pack this shit in : other characters

Zechs
Now pretty much every Gundam has some sort of character refrencing Char Aznable since Char is the greatest thing to ever come out of Gundam. Some characters are more subtile references, like say, Schwartz Bruder from G Gundam or Jamil from Gundam X, but Zechs is just a huge copy. But since Char is so fucking great, and Zechs is a good copy, the result is still one of the best characters in Wing.

Now okay, Zechs and Char don't have the same exact personality and they do have some different mannerisms, so it isn't just copypaste, but still.

Zechs goes through all of Char's phases over the course of 50 episodes, he goes from a soldier working on a side he is secretly fighting against to someone who wants to bring peace to space to this guy who wants to crash something in to the earth from space. Oh and in Endless Waltz he goes back to being a bringer of peace. Joy. I would have prefered that he died.

Treize

manly

Treize is the best character in Gundam Wing, and probably one of the greatest villain characters in the metafranchise. Most of the time, the villains are people like Gihren Zabi or Paptimus Scirocco or Ulube Ishikawa, dispicable, corrupt poltiicans who show just how corrupt you can get with enough power, who don't care about human lives at all. Treize, altough still a poltitican and ruthless, atleast comes across as a gentleman who is atleast aware that people are dying. Treize makes complete sense when he elaborates why he does what he does and what he believes in. It makes me think that someone else came up and wrote this character rather than the stupid cunt who wrote most of it.

Relena

Relena is the evidence that this shit is written by a woman, since she a quite typical for a romance subplot written by a woman in anime. I remember Ranma 1/2, and I never understood why Ranma ever developed any feelings for Akane since she was a huge bitch. I never understood why he didn't get it on with Shampoo since she was attractive and practicly begging him to fuck her.
Fangirls hate Relena with a burning passion since she fucks with their Heeroxsomeone OTPs.
She was a cunt and her english voice annoys me, but after a while I started to like her a bit more than I did in the beginning, seeing as how everyone forced a philosophy she didn't even believe in be forced on her. Then again, Gundam Wing, as a product made for girls, shouldn't really waste time trying to create interesting female characters since it's all about the man luv anyway.

Dorothy

This image has not been edited

Dorothy is fucking crazy. jesus fuck, she was so crazy. The series then tried to explain how and why she was the way she was, which made no sense. She should be fucking dead. But no. She baffles me just as much as Wufei.

Okay I've burned myself out completely, I originaly intended this and the previous post to be one whole but something happened. Okay so anyway, join us again tomorrow, when we go over the mobile suits and how and why they fail.

Gundam Wing : animated Universal Century fanfiction part two : a textwall about the characters

Eugh... I just noticed how tight everyone's pants are

Problem 2 : The characters

So the next problem would be the characters. For some reason they chose with 5 main characters of supposedly equal importance. Altough G Gundam also had a team of main characters, they never tried to distribute the attention payed to Domon equally amongst all the other characters. Also the rest of the Shuffle Alliance had clear goals and did serve some purpose, even if it was kind of simple compared to the tangled web of Wing. Wing has too many main characters that they try to put equal attention to, even when the plot has nothing for them to do.

Another problem would be that the characters are yaoi fiction stereotypes. You have the emotionless guy, the prankster, the mysterious silent one, the sumbissive one and the douchebag. Now before this one Universal Century Gundams were a man's series that dealt with things like the horrors of war through the eyes of a teenage soldier. G Gundam was also a man's series about a heroic manlyman doing heroic things on a quest that takes him from the slums of earth to space. So what I'm saying is that Gundam before this was uninteresting to women, and they wanted to change that with Wing.

Now the main problem with previous Gundams for women would be the characters. Amuro Ray was an arrogant, whiny nerd who was also a coward outside of his precious Gundam. Kamille Bidan was also whiny but also crazy at some points, seeing as how the first thing he did when he got in to a mobile suit was threathen a Feddie officer in a powertripping kind of way. Judau Ashta was... a jockish asshole? I think. Domon was also kind of a dick and had fits of testosterone rage from time to time and was manly in a way that girls don't find attractive? I suppose?

The characters of Wing are fanfiction stereotypes that girls like instead of dicks that were actually interesting characters. So let us dive in and talk about the characters specificly. I'm going to go in reverse order when it comes to the pilots.

The unlogical holy emperor of douchebags : Wufei Chang
This guy just baffles me. I don't understand why was he included in this series, what purpose he serves and what logic does he base his actions on, other than the fact that 4 isn't as cool as 5 pilots, even though with the Gundams they ran out of ideas after the 3rd one and they should have taken a hint.

Wufei makes no fucking sense to me. Okay so he rates everything he sees by strenght, but not in an understandable way like say Zaraki Kenpachi. To him, everything is too weak, including himself, his comrades and his enemies. Sure it doesn't sound hard to understand when I write the gist of it, but if you actually listen to this douche talk it makes no sense. I don't think even the writers knew what he was trying to say. He's certainly not following The Art Of War.

But because of the fact that he made no sense to me, I started enjoying the scenes he was in. Not since I liked him, but since he was the only character who's actions I couldn't predict.

So his only subplot in the series is that he has sort of like a rivlary with Treize. But this rivlary made no sense to me and I'm sure this rivlary was only tacked on so that he has some reason to be in the show, not since he was the best character to have a such an epic rivlary with Treize.
I laughed so hard when I watched his first encounter with Treize. He could have destroyed Treize with his stupid Gundam in one shot, but instead he decides to climb out and fight him with a machete. Wufei fights against Treize and then the fight ends abruptly because supposedly Treize checkmated him. Instead of getting angry at Treize for taking pity at him and fighting even harder, he runs back to his robot and starts crying like a little girl and flies away. And the way Treize ''beat'' him was just like a parent taking down his misbehaving child. I suppose they had Wufei cry since girls would find this sexy or something, but to me it just made him look like a bitch.

Then Treize and Wufei have one final fight and then I'm not completely sure what happened. So Wufei wanted to defeat him in a fair fight or something. Then Treize lets Wufei kill him. Then Wufei cries. The reason the Gundam Wiki gives me says ''since he finally beat the enemy he fought so hard for months''. But this is what I think happened. Treize trolled him and robbed him of his victory in a way that it could never be gotten, and since Wufei is a 8 year old girl on the inside, he coped with the situation in the only way he could. Cry.

Over the course of the series up to Endless Waltz I still never understood who's side he's really on and what is he trying to do. Something about justice? A character who follows the rules of power and justice does not work this way, so the only reasonable explenation I can think of is that the script was written by a woman or a fag.

Speaking of fags and women, Wufei is also the prettiest when cosplayed by a girl out of the 5 pilots.

Quadruple Pussy : Quatre Winner

Alright so from the minute I layed my eyes upon Quatre I knew exactly why they included him in this series. For yaoi slashfics, but since most of the other pilots look like they'll probably be the ones sticking it in they probably needed one to take it up the anus or something. Quatre is the kind of character that is ''a pacifist by nature that hates fighting, but the dire times demand him to fight, even if that's against his principles''. The kind of character that always says ''forgive me'' in a meek voice whenever he kills someone even though there is probably a different way.
But to be fair, he does serve more of a purpose as a character than say, Wufei or Trowa.

Altough he pilots the blandest and most pointless Gundam of them all, he is the only character who has actual resources and subordinates, so he has actual use to the plot outside of murdering grunts.

Then, around the middle point of the series, his dad dies. Then he gets in to the Wing Zero and starts murdering space colonies. What the fuck. Now I do understand that the ZERO system makes you in to like a violent psycho I suppose, but he still talked like a bleeding vagina despite just destroying a colony with that absurd rifle. But then some shit happned and then he returned to normal. Okay. But while he did whine about his gay lover Trowa, but didn't say a thing about the space colonies he destroyed.

Also he and Trowa are responsible for the gayest fucking scene possible without it involving direct genital contact.

I rest my case

Gay Clown : Trowa Barton
Trowa is Heero Yuy without the plot armor that made Heero Yuy so invincible. Trowa is an emotionless git with a Robert Smith fringe who is also a clown. I think with him they added him to the show only since they had the Heavyarms design and they needed someone to pilot it, but since I fucking love the Heavyarms, I'm completely fine with it.

I did like, however, that Trowa's past did tie in to the plot of Endless Waltz. Around the halfway point of the series he is taken out of the game for 15-ish episodes where he is an amnesiac being taken care by some protective girl. This is fanservice to the fangirls since that is probably what they would do too or something. I don't know.

There's really not a lot I can say about Trowa since he has no personality but doesn't have any other interesting features to his character. I would have wished that he had more screentime, though, if that would mean that I could see Heavyarms fuck shit up more.

A pretty cool guy : Duo Maxwell
Duo made sense, had more emotion than a bar of soap and wasn't a pussy, which makes him the best of the 5 pilots as a character, so there's nothing I can complain about. Except for the fact that the plot has nothing for him to do for like 15 episodes after the mid point.

Sent to the past by John Connor : Heero YuyHeero Yuy is a typical fanfiction protagonist. An emotionless ''badass'' who has a more human side that is never shown, but claimed that there is by other characters. Altough the evidence of abscence isn't the abscense of evidence, in this case it is.

Supposedly he feels bad for his fellow space colony dwellers and wants to see justice and has a kind heart. But this is never shown. The only times when he shows emotions is when he laughs. And when he laughs, it's always when he kills someone.

In the first episode you see him laugh so hard when he kills a Leo piloted by some nameless grunt. This isn't something someone who is kind would do. This is something a psycho would do.

Another thing is that this guy can do unbelievable feats. I've seen him control his brainwaves, bend metal bars, fall from a rooftop of a 5 floor building, only to run away and later mend his broken legs just by pulling them back in to place and survive death from a point blank explosion, and all of this happened in the first 10 episodes.

So Heero was taught by some sort of assassin who taught him this shit, maybe? Not even Ezio Auditore, the ultimate assassin couldn't do any of this shit.

Judging by his lack of understanding for human feelings at all, at first I thought he was a fucking Vulcan, but then after seeing him pull his leg back in to place, I realized what Heero actually is. He's a terminator. That's the only reasonable explenation I can think of for the way he is.

But I don't hate Heero, actually I don't hate any of the main characters. But I think I prefer Heero to Amuro Ray, since atleast Heero doesn't whine all the time like a bitch, nor is he a coward.

Heero actually reminds me of a certain Full Metal Panic! character.

Great scott, they even look the same

Sousuke Sagara and Heero Yuy are both identical in the way that they're both children of the battlefield who act like vulcans. The only difference is that Sagara's emotionless demanor is the source of humor at times while Heero's robotic nature doesn't disturb anyone besides Duo, and as we all have established, Duo is the most level-headed, normal person in the entire series. God knows what it would be like if Heero and Sousuke ever meet. Oh wait I have a good idea what it would be like. MS Paint timez

Gundam Wing : animated Universal Century fanfiction part 1 : Plotanium Armor

Now chances are that if you weren't an embryo around 1999-ish and had Cartoon Network you have probably seen this anime. Because of how cable works around these parts we didn't have Toonami so all I did see was a couple of commericals for it but never got to see the series itself until a few months ago when I watched the entire series.
In the west this anime was groundbreaking for several reasons. It had great production values. This was also one of the first anime to come in to a more mainstream view as opposed to bootleg fansubs or just heavily altered and edited dubs. Gundam Wing's dub was unbelievably faithful to it's original script and featured top noch voice acting for an anime of that era. It's diametricaly opposed to another anime from that point, DBZ, which had an intentionaly changed script, hammy dialogue, corny, over the top voice acting compared to the more straight-faced Japanese version.
You can also say that this anime was a bit more mature for the time period compared to most of the stuff on the channel at the time.
However. Without any nostalgia for Gundam Wing, I can clearly see the flaws of Gundam Wing. It has the same characterization and the way action happens is the same thing you would typicaly find in a fanfiction. Altough Gundam Wing is still more compitently written than 100% of the dross on fanfiction.net, it still suffers from elements of what a fanfiction contain.

Problem #1 : The Action

So the first problem I have with Wing, altough it might be second to most people who aren't stupid, would be the action. Now Gundam Wing goes through most of the motions of Gundam 0079, the Gundam that I think all other Gundams should be compared to, and mostly fail compared to it. Now in 0079 the 3 Federation mobile suits were semi-unique at the timepoint and more or less the secret weapon of the Feddies compared to the neverending legions of Zakus that Zeon had. But you have to remember, while the Federation was less equiped than Zeon, they were still an official organization and that didn't mean they didn't mean that they didn't have manpower or weapons at all save for the 3 mobile suits. But in Wing, the 5 Gundams are absolutely everything that a poorly organized rebellion has.
The Feddie mobile suits were superior to most of Zeon's mobile suits and it was more or less because of the Gundam that the Federation got so far, but that didn't mean that the Gundam was invincible. To the RX-78-2 Gundam, even a piece of shit like a Zaku II could pose a serious threat and could make twisted metal salad to it if Amuro didn't watch his stupid ass.

Now I do agree that if the 5 mobile suits were to be able to pose a threat to a global superpower, they probably should be much stronger than an RX-78-2. But you see, that's unrealistic. You see, God Gundam could probably do it all alone, but with G Gundam they realized that if they want to do something like that, then they should probably drop all pretences of trying to be realistic, and the result was awesome. But with Wing, they're trying to make homage to 0079. Now if you haven't watched 0079 you probably didn't even realize that this is supposed to be real robots.

Okay no, if Evangelion has anything done right, it would be the fact that they did mecha-esque action that seemed realistic to a certain degree while still having the damn things feel powerful and significant enough that they really do feel like humanity's last hope. In Evangelion you actually felt the EVA's actions when they did something.

The Gundams in Wing are just these invincible death machines that are never posed any threat at all, and only take damage when it's convenient to the plot. I saw all of the grunts like the Leos and the Tauruses impotently pew pew at the invincible plot armors of the Gundams in a manner that's like having 5 year olds armed with straws and chewed up paper balls trying to kill Nosferatu Zodd. So after like 20 episodes of watching the Gundams take millions of ammunitions dumps to the faceplates with no significant damage while killing grunts like snapping bread sticks, suddenly, SUDDENLY, Duo goes in to space and gets his ass wrecked by a bunch of grunts. One shot even took off Deathsychte's arm in one clean swoop. I was like ''wait... WAIT. WHAT. This has never happened before''. So supposedly the 20 episodes actually took some sort of toll on the Deathsychte, except there was no sign of that ever happening before. In Evangelion, pretty much every battle took some sort of toll on the EVAs, like arms being torn off and armor being destroyed. You saw the RX-78 take damage all the time, and in the finale it was wrecked completely because of how fucking brutal the shit it went through was. Instead, the Gundams in Wing take damage only when the plot needs a reason for the Gundam to not be involved for a while.
In Gundam Wing, any mobile suit that isn't a Gundam or a Tallgeese meets the same exact destiny in a way that makes the countless pointless battles seem boring in samey since it's just like watching lambs being sent to a slaughterhouse.
The greatest offenders from the Gundams would be the Wing and the Wing Zero Gundams with their Buster Rifles.

''This isn't Gundam at all''

I was taken out of the experience when I saw the Wing Gundam kill 5 Grunts with like a single shot with these huge DBZ-style beams. And they do it all the fucking time. You see, if you're going to make a tribute to 0079, I expect you to have some realism. And having DBZ beams is certainly not realistic. But then they act like nothing happened at all. Sure, in UC you had mobile suits like the Zeong and suits with funnels that could take out large groups of enemies, but there it wasn't failsafe and it was equaly the pilot's skill and newtype power as it was the uberness of his suit. But the Gundams in Wing murder hordes of grunts with the same significance as wiping their ass.
The only times when the action actually gets interesting are when it's Gundam on Gundam or Gundam on Tallgeese action, and these fights are very, very, very rare compared to the hundreds of meaningless grunt fights that use the same recycled (but not bad) animations since there are only 10 specific mobile suits over the course of the entire 50 episode series that actually matter.
In the very ending of the TV series there is a situation where it looks like things are not good as half of like the space colony thing is still falling on the earth with no way to stop it. This scene was a callback to the finale of Char's Counterattack. Then Wufei throws the Twin Buster Rifle to Heero and everyone is instantly like ''YEAH WE'RE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT'' before the fucker even fires the damn thing. It's like the characters were sure since they understood the way the series was written. No, seriously, it wasn't like cautious optimism, it was like ''FUCK YEAH, HURRY UP HEERO AND GET THIS SHIT FINISHED, WE'RE GOING TO UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE'' when Heero hadn't even caught the rifle yet. Imediately they destroyed any tension. Now the way this scene ended in CCA was kind of ''wait what'' but it atleast had some tension and there was an actual loss at the end. Instead, this is just some Mary Sue shit.

Okay so tune back in tomorrow as I dive in with a machete and a raincoat in to the pool of fanfiction elements.