E3 press conference overview part 1 : Microsoft

Microsoft, I'm very dissapointed in you. Well actually no, since I don't have any big expectations from Microsoft, but for different reasons than I have no big expectations from Nintendo.

The Microsoft Press Conference was dissapointing since it really didn't have a lot to do with what I consider gaming, it was mostly for casuals who probably don't get out of their way to tune in and watch press conferences when there's stuff to do like play Wii Sports Resort and watch sitcoms, but I digress.
For the first 30 minutes they showed their ''hardcore'' games, which were crammed back to back so it gave the impression that they needed to get rid of this shit fast before they could start the real show. Here's a quick rundown of the games they showed and what I think of them.

Call Of Duty Black Ops.
I've only played one Call Of Duty over the course of my entire life and I think it's enough. I think Call of Duty will fuck up after this one even more. You see, Treyarc or something was the second-string developer they used to fill in the space for the IW CoDs. Now they have a lot to follow up on, since MW2 was the best selling shooter of all time. But that's not really the issue, I think it's more of an issue that I enter a short coma whenever I watch something that has to do with CoD since even if you don't play it, you still come in contact with in all the time like with second hand smoke. But since this is Activision, they will milk the tits of this cashcow so hard that it will look like a shot from Riki Oh.

Metal Gear Solid Rising
Sold. Sold. But for the PS3. I'm a MGS superfanboy so this, with incredible bias, wins best of Microsoft. But hell, it was still the best thing if I wasn't biased ether. But retooled gameplay? A character we hated turned badass that we now love? Slashing shit? Count me in!

Then Peter Molyneux came, or as I call him, the Prince Of Lies. Pete had very limited time on stage, but he still had time to boast a bit in traditional fashion. This time he didn't bring his son's soul stuck in an Xbox, so it was already better. Then he revealed...

Fable 3
Fable is a game series I have absolutely no interest in. The artstyle, plot and gameplay all seem boring to me, for biased reasons, so feel free to call me out on sucking glorious nippon's dick all the time, since I have no comeback for that. I really do do that. ALL ZE TIME. But it looks like Fable's theme now is about revolution. I'm sure there's people who will buy this and enjoy this. Pete doesn't make bad games, but he does make exagerations of cosmic proportions. No gameplay was shown.

Halo : Reach
Halo. 4 person co-op. Would maybe play. Not really excited.

Gears Of War 3
4 person co-op. Would play. There's really not a lot you can say about Halo and Gears since it's the same shit all the time. ALL THE TIME.

Absent was Crackdown 2, which was weird since that comes out in like a month. Then there was a teaser trailer for some sort of gladiator game from Crytek. After that it all devolved in to horrible shit and I almost booked a ticket to LA just so that I can demand moral compensation.

Then they talked for 30 minutes about Natal... I mean, Kinect. They talked about the menus and shit and how you can use them with the camera. So you can say ''Xbox '' and something happens. I don't know, have we really become so lazy that we can't even pick up a controler to navigate our menus? It's just clicking a dpad for a bit and then pressing a button. In fact, the idea of having to tell the Xbox what you want it to do sounds more complicated than doing it yourself. It would be like using the phone to tell your grandpa how to use a VCR. Also, the first presenter was black, which is actually interesting, because if you remember last year when they unveiled Natal, a certain African American journalist couldn't use it since the camera was racist or something. So this guy was to prove that they solved that, altough everyone already forgot that since noone likes N'Gai Croal.
Then some girl who was bad at acting came out and talked about some more features. Then she video chatted with her twin sister. (spoiler : there was no twin sister) Then two American sportspersons who I don't know anything about came out and talked about some sports channel that could now be streamed on Xbox 360. Gold subscription only, what a surprise. Altough it means even less to me since I'm European and have no interest in sports, so I can't, and wouldn't anyway. But atleast these sportspersons were good at public speaking since they do it for a living.
Then Kudo motherfucking Tsunoda came, who looked like he fell asleep drunk on a park bench next to a playground in the previous night came. This meant ''lube up your buttholes, it's NATAL TIME''. Then the rest was more or less a boring blur. Games no better than any of the Nintendo ones were shown. The best part was watching the humans IRL as they spazzed around like they were running from invisible rapists while covered in bees. There was a game like Nintendogs, there was some game that made the players look like complete re... oh wait that's all of them. Everything looked like something already done on the Wii, and not done one bit better than the Wii. I stopped paying attention, I was at that point just imagining a scenario where I am in the E3 crowd, I sneak out and follow Kudo as he goes to a toilet, and then I beat him up and rape him with his own shoes. Then they showed some Forza game with Natal and for the first time since Kinect time started, I actually said ''oh hey, that looks cool.''.
Then finally they unveiled the Xbox 360 Slim. Bigger HDD and stuff and it was all nice, but they forgot to tell one thing, the Red Ring of Death rate. Actually, I don't think they forgot, I think they were too proud to accept that there's a failure rate, which is stupid, since that's the first thing that stops me from buying one.

So overall, Microsoft had the worst press conference, not just from the big 3, but every company that had one. Also, no pricepoint on Kinect. Why? Probably since if it really is the 150$ rumored, the internet would have laughed at them so hard, the penises everyone who participated in this press conference would irreversably shrink.

55/100