E3 press conference overview part Quattro Bajeena : Nintendo

Nintendo, all is forgiven. It seems that Nintendo finally got around to reading my letters, along with the letters of pretty much everyone else who isn't a retard (or is, but was still not pleased). Nintendo finally have gotten their shit together. For the two years before this Nintendo's conferences were all a hour long wagglefest that bored everyone boring enough to watch this shit and then in the end they put in like one or two ''hardcore'' game in the end so that their most loyal soldiers don't turn on them completely and still stay in their ranks. But Nintendo finally got their shit together and delivered the goods. Also no fucking Cammie Dunaway, who had been done away (har har har) in a porta-potty in a landfil in Dimension X.

It all started with Regginator coming out and talking about typical stuff about how they're innovating and how they're raping the rivals and shit. Then there was a video of Miyamoto where he tells you about the new Zelda. Then some translator guy was given the helm of the demo and he was bad at it, except it was intentional. Then suddenly, Miyamoto himself came out from the back and said ''yo nigs you's be suckin' so why don't you take five while I show these punks what's what. word.'' Except Miyamoto wasn't really that great at it ether, but I won't put it against him since I don't think Miyamoto plays games as a hobby. So the demo was shown and first thing that I thought was ''what a nice art style''. It's none of that Wind Waker's simplistic, artificial midgets or the dogshit brown bloom of Toilet Pape... Twilight Princess. This one feels more like a callback to the Ocarina and Majora's era and it was actually quite pleasing to look at. Then they had a demo of the new stuff and the new control scheme. This game will require Wii Motion Plus, which is fine by me, if the thing actually does improve the dildo and the breast pump in any way. There were some hicups, which could be traced back to the two previously mentioned problems : Miyamoto does not play games and the Wiimote isn't really that great of a controller.
I'll probably buy it.

Then Regginator talked about sports games, talking about the new NBA Jam, and then talking about another Mario sports game, but atleast this time it's all kinds of sports in one game instead of one sport per disc like in the GCN era.
Then The Regge talked about how the rumors of how the Wii is losing momentum and how Wii owners don't play games is false and the opposite is true. I didn't get if he was trying to talk smack on the others or not because Regginator T-9000 isn't built for trashtalk, but for the destruction of rectums.
Then there was some Wii game about Miis party gaming around the world. I blanked out at that point and woke up just in time for...

Golden Sun Dark Dawn. Now I have never played a Golden Sun but it did look nice and I know a lot of people wanted to see this. There's not a lot I can comment on since I have no experience witn said series. But the audience reacted much more to this than they did for all the games between Zelda and this.

Goldeneye. Goldeneye was a game that you had to be there in the day to understand. Since I wasn't there at the time, this just looked to me like an unimpressive FPS about James Bond that profits on mudded memories of the past which looked very meh compared to the FPSes on the other consoles.

Then Warren Spector and his subordinate came to present Disney Epic Mickey (or as Reggie calls it, Disney Epic Disney). The game reminded me of Kingdom Hearts minus Disney, but to be honest I would say that even if it was an RTS or a fighting game. (Actually a Disney fighting game would be cool.) But it really did remind me of Kingdom Hearts. Altough I have no true attachment to Disney, I still think this could be awesome and would play it. Also if I get to meet Warren Spector I would instantly ask him if there will be a level based off of the Donald Duck cartoon about nazis.

Then they showed Kirby Epic Yarn, which is the cutest fucking game I've ever seen without it seeming creepy or sickening. Also it looked like Kirby doesn't eat things anymore but I'm not sure. Also you can transform in to a tank. Kirby is a total fucking badass despite being a little pink blob that makes uguu sounds all the time.

Dragon Quest IX. Dragon Quest is a Japan thing and this is a giant fucking craze in Japan. From what Reggie said it sounded like it was a timesink of galactic proportions.

Then there was a trailer for Metroid Other M. Honestly, the idea of Metroid Dread for DS sounded way better to me than a corridor fest made by Team Ninja. Team fucking Ninja. Seriously, Nintendo? Couldn't you find someone better?

Then it was Donkey Kong time. Donkey Kong is a monkey so I instantly don't like him. This one is a callback to Donkey Kong Country. I think DK Country was probably a game series you had to be there to appreciate, since I don't. But I suppose it won't be bad since it IS by Retro Studios.

Then it was 3DS time. After like 15 minutes of both Regginator and later Satoru Iwata talking, sounding very pleased with themselves, they showed Kid Icarus Uprising. My first reaction was ''oh we're back to Wii gam...''

''...THAT'S a 3DS game?!''

Well shit. I guess they had me by the balls there. I don't really care about 3D at all but the very prospect of it just being a DS with all of the stats cranked up instantly sold me on it. After that Iwata revealed the 3rd party devs, which resulted in this reaction.

''Hayashida.''
''Yes, Kamiyama?''
''How much money do we have?''

I suppose Nintendo really did win E3, since that was the most times I've said sold in 90 minutes. And it got even better when I read the full list of announced titles. My only complaints would be no new Ace Attorney and there was no footage of the new Pokemon game.

Overall, Nintendo redeemed itself from me hating on it for such a long time. Now I truly know who my enemy is. Microsoft.

''There is still something I need to do, I now know who my true enemy is''

In this gif, Char represents me while Kycilia represents Microsoft.